LA Moms Blog

WHAT THE FEMINISTS DIDN'T TELL ME AND MY MOM DIDN'T KNOW

My mom was raised in the fifties by well-intentioned parents who didn't really intend on her becoming anything other than a housewife and mother. She was never offered college. She wasn't pushed to study. She wasn't told to have a career or to be able to take care of herself. And she did exactly as she was told. She became super mom. My sister and I grew up in a home with a true caretaker. There were always home-cooked meals, clean clothes in our drawers, on-time carpools and plenty of mom and me time. Even now, my friends reminisce fondly about how my house was always the house to be at because mom was always available to everyone with food and an ear to bend. 

At the same time that my mom was modeling truly being a present and available parent in my life, she and my father were, of course, raising me to be an independent woman with my own career and bank account. My parents had two daughters growing up in the seventies and eighties. As parents, they were following the new feminist wave and encouraging their girls to live up to great potential. We were rightfully told that we could be anything we wanted to be. We were urged to travel, go out of state to exciting and stimulating universities and pursue our passions. 

Minding my business

Remember back when William Clinton was caught with a cigar in his intern?  So many of us sighed, pushed back our hair, and said, “Who the hell cares?  It’s not our goddamned business, as long as he is doing his job well.  He can stick whatever he likes wherever he likes as long as it is between consenting adults.”

Lately, the reaction to these semi-annual Politician Mistress Scandals has been to sort of shrug and forgive.  It may affect the transgressor in the moment, but many elected officials with straying organs of manliness have gone on to have lovely careers.  We just don’t care that much, unless the politician disappears for a few days to fly to another country for his booty call, which sort of offends our “Buy American” sensibilities.

And, we shouldn’t care.  Yes, Clinton crossed a line because Lewinsky was barely out of diapers and he was abusing power.  OK, got it. And Sanford?  It makes for an excellent story, but the sex is beside the point – it is his fondness for completely disappearing that ought to bother people.  All the guys in between?  Whatever.  Their wives should be pissed.  The rest of us ought to have better things to do with our time.

Three adults and two kids in a one bedroom house

Every year is same. My husband stays home and works, while I drive my kids and I the 18 hours to Seattle, to spend the summer with family. Every year I feel the same excitement, as the summer gets closer. And then, the same anxiety, when the days draw near.

I love traveling, so it is natural for me to anticipate my next adventure. Getting out of LA, to spend the summer camping, visiting friends and family, and cruising around the Northwest, is a perfect summer for me. But then I am reminded of the difficulty and drama that arises every year. First there is the difficulty of driving 18 hours, with kids anxious to be there already. Then there is the drama that arises when we are stuck for too long in a one bedroom house with three adults and two kids, one that does not usually contain children. Then the drama that arises while spending 10 days camping with three other families, and the drama that arises when grandma's methods come in conflict with my own.

I need to mentally prepare myself now. The first couple years, I really took every outburst and frustration personally. But now, I have come to understand that it is not about me. I think we all have hopes and expectations of how the time will be spent. But it doesn't always work out like expected. Normal routines are thrown out the window and the natural balance upset. No matter how much our families love us, having two rambunctious kids in the normally quiet house can be overwhelming.

The Pageant of the Masters and Festival of Arts

Southern California beaches offer much more than just the sand and surf that they’re famous for. In my current quest to make the most of our economic status (both as a country and as a family) I have put my energies into seeking out a few local treasures that will help make the idea of a mandatory Summer Staycation a little more bearable.

Laguna Beach (a mere hour or so out of LA) is host to a number of awesome summer events and activities. Yes, there is always the beach itself which can be crowded, yes, but none the less very charming, well-kept and full of local flavor. But since So Cal’s got beaches to spare, why take the trip that far south just for sand? Well, it’s not just the sand that has drawn locals and tourists alike to artsy-cool Laguna Beach for years, it’s their affinity for the arts.

Circus Fun VS. Animal Rights

A few weeks ago I was invited to a press day for the Ringling Brothers Circus. When I wrote a little blog about it, I got several responses that were adamantly anti circus. They all felt the animals were mistreated and that by attending I was condoning that. I will say it made me remember my own feelings about caged animals in my youth.

When I was a kid you couldn’t drag me to the circus or the zoo. I hated to see the animals in cages. I literally would cry and cry until no one could stand it any longer and they’d take me home. Finally my parents got the message and stopped taking me all together. Don’t I sound like a pleasure...Anyway, knowing this you might be surprised to find out that I take my daughter to the zoo all the time, and am preparing to take her to the circus for the first time in the next few weeks.

Lamest Wife Award

Last Tuesday, 4 days before my husbands 35th birthday, he asked me the following: “So honey, what’s the plan for my big day? You haven’t said much…you got a big surprise brewing or what?” His wry, suspicious grin said it all: I know you’re planning something oh wife of mine ‘cause you haven’t said two words about my biggest birthday to date. Poor guy. How wrong he was.

My silence has not, in fact, been a strategic distraction from some epic, roll-out-the-red-carpet-surprise. Its not because I don’t want to celebrate or make a big whoop for him; he deserves it. And 35 IS a big birthday. No longer a puppy, it’s a sign of grown-manhood, of mid-thirties right-of-passage-you’ve-seen-enough-of-life-to-understand-the-meaning-of-it, of the characters ages on the television show Thirty Something who seemed dually oppressed and seduced by their familial responsibilities. There are no more excuses. You better have stopped ordering drinks with silly names like Chocotini in favor of standby's like Scotch Rocks or Vodka Gimlet. No putting up posters of Laird Hamilton shredding a sick wave or using your storage unit as a Man Den. You better be sorted out, dude. And he is.

I had originally used this paragraph as an homage to all he has accomplished in 35 years...successful entrepreneur, Ironman, ranked triathlete...but what does it matter? I married him. I had his baby. He's a stellar, exemplary human being who deserves a party.

SO what the hell is my problem?

Dear Hippie Preschool, We'll Miss You

A couple weeks ago, it was my son's last day at his warm, happy little hippie preschool. It's part of a larger school that continues to 8th grade, and this year, his teacher teamed with the 6th grade class to bring the 5-turning-6 kids together with the 11-turning-25 kids. (I joke; they're still sweet and not *that* grown.) My son adored his older buddy. They went on a field trip together, they drew the flora and fauna they saw at the park, they hung out and talked the finer points of Pokemon and Star Wars.

While there's been a fair amount of drama at our school this year, we were lucky to have much of it swirl past us. This school has always been a welcoming place.

The first day we dropped our son off, he was almost three years old. We parents hung around after circle time, the true beginning of the school day, and watched as our tiny darlings explored the classroom like puppies. Some of us couldn't bear to leave. Others were more resilient--their kid, like ours, having already had time away in a daycare or nursery school setting for at least a few hours every so often. My son decided he had to visit the bathroom, so he grabbed the hand of the little boy who would become his best friend and together they marched off to the potties.

Jon and Kate are GREAT!

I only recently got into the television show Jon and Kate plus 8.  I’d been chatting with some moms on a mommy website and the conversation turned to discussing whether you couldn’t stand Kate or you hated Jon.

 My response was “What? Hate, loathing, disgust? Why do you feel this way about parents of 8 kids?” I’d never seen the show so I had to find out for myself what all the hoopla was about.   At this point I’m almost caught up.  I’m in the middle of season 4 and seriously, it’s only taken me about 2 weeks to watch ALL of those episodes.  I think I’m hooked, no?  And I must say that I love Jon and Kate as parents.  And I know that mothers everywhere are scratching their heads at me.  But I will explain.

I don’t love them individually as human beings.  I’d strangle Kate if she were that controlling and anal with me and I’d have divorced Jon probably right after the honeymoon with his monotone voice and the way he talks down to his kids sometimes. But as parents I think they have been doing a bang up job in general.   Here’s my take: (and no, I don’t read any of the gossip mags so I won’t be including any of that in my blog, so there!)

Diaper Dealer

I love a good deal.  I'm a bargain junkie, chasing the endorphin high I get when I score a major savings.  In these tight economic times, I'm totally in style.  There are tricks and strategies about how and when to shop--which days stores do markdowns, where they place clearance items and knowing store policies.  It's a game for me.  A couple weeks back, I was cruising through Target when I spotted boxes and boxes of Pampers on a couple of endcaps.  My heart started beating faster as I realized they were not anywhere near the baby section of the store--a good sign.  As we got closer, I leaned towards my baby sitting calmly in the shopping cart and said, "Lulu, this could be major!" 

As I rolled up to the boxes of Pampers, my prediction was confirmed.  A raging deal on huge boxes of Pampers was to be had.  For those unfamiliar with Pampers pricing, average retail price per diaper is about .25 cents.  This markdown had them at less than .10 cents per diaper.  Oh, and I had some Pampers coupons in my coupon file.  Heh.  There were more than 20 boxes and I set my sights on all of them.  Upon some quick calculations, I realized that both of my babies would be fully potty trained before I could use all 20-some-odd boxes.  I made some calls: Eunice was in for a couple, Heather was due with baby #3 in less than a month--she wanted in.  It seemed I had a ready and willing market.  So I went for it.

Guidance not Violence: Why Spanking is Never Okay

We've all been there, just like Kate Gosselin who was recently caught on camera spanking her preschool-aged daughter.  Just because we have that impulse to lash out when our kids make our blood boil, doesn't mean it's right or okay to EVER hit them. 

As The Go-To Mom, I try to connect with my viewers  by taking a non-judgmental stance.  I know how hard it is to be a parent, and I can only imagine how much harder it must be to have multiple young children.  The following is helpful information I give parents on why children should not spanked and how teaching and guiding your child through life, is based on the relationship that you have with him or her and less on physical or emotional punishment that instills fear.

Protect Us from Princesses!

When my three girls were small, particularly the oldest two, I loved it when they pretended to be princesses. I'm a girly girl; I love the fluffy tu-tus, the pink frills and anything that sparkles.  I thought it was cute when they chose their favorite princesses from the Disney movies, then I even stood in line with them to meet their idols at Disneyland. 

Now, however, the Disney princess phenomenon has become a royal pain in my ass. 

A Wedding Anniversary During Divorce Season

Tomorrow is my seventh wedding anniversary.

 

Amid reports of new divorce filings - by friends, friends of friends, and celebrities, who, while not friends, exactly, take up more space in my conscious brain than they should - my husband and I will pass through this milestone in much the same way that we pass through any other Monday.  We'll wake up to the toddler's screeching cry of "DADDY!" and we'll stumble to the coffee pot, seeking black liquid strength to jump start the morning chaos.  We'll take the kids to daycare, we'll sit in traffic, we'll go to work.  Once home again, we will perform the morning rituals in reverse, perhaps taking a moment or two to mark the occasion before collapsing, exhausted, into blessed sleep.

 

That's marriage, isn't it?  If nothing else, it's the collection of so many of those regular, hectic, bickery, Monday days, each with its own small miracle: that we have gotten this far, and still wish to proceed.  I look back on the seven years since our wedding day.  How vast the expanse of days seems, stretched out behind us like the cathedral train of a wedding gown, demarcated by the moment we became parents together for the first time, 2 years into our marriage.  We're tired now.  Older, with children and their limbs and catapults vying for our attention, dragging us away from each other even as they knit us further together.  Time moves more slowly as it happens, yet seems to speed up when we turn to watch it unfurl behind us.

Beware of mother bears -- you might find one in the mirror

I never thought I would become the kind of mom who would yell at other kids in public. It's just not my personality.

But after a pint-sized little boy smacked my daughter in the back, I seemed to change my temperament in a heartbeat.

"Hey!" I yelled at the little offender. "There is NO hitting!"

Now, I'm not a public yeller. When I sound my barbaric yawp, it's usually in the privacy of my own home.

But at that moment -- at a park in Malibu, among what seemed like a million other parents and their kids -- I didn't care. I had no qualms about standing up for my daughter, who had just then started to cry.

Testimony by Anita Shreve: A Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Club

This month, for Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers' monthly book club, we read a novel that many of us, as mothers, found tough to read. But probably every mother should read it. And their teenagers too - especially their teenagers.

Join in as Silicon Valley Moms Group bloggers discuss the book Testimony by Anita Shreve.

• DC Metro Moms Blog's Amy G. leads us off with hoping she has done enough
• Wife and Mommy from Wife and Mommy thinks of all the moments she knew her life would never be the same
• Jennifer from Connect with your Teens discusses the ramifications and repercussions of teenage drinking
• Melanie from Tales from the Crib forecasts the future
• Bonggamom from Finding Bonggamom remembers temptation
• The Fabulous Miss S from Fabulous Miss S screamed in her head "No! Don't do it!"
• Silicon Valley Diva from Blog on the Wall shudders when she thinks back to her teenage years
• Kim from Passion & Art says no one asks to be raped
• Chefdruck from Chefdruck Musings gives her own testimony
• Jessica from It's My Life thinks about when the best isn't the best after all
• Robin from Who's the Boss gives her testimony
• Gayle from Everyday I Write the Book reviews Testimony
• Christina from The Carpool Reader goes through the evolution of a marriage
• Linsey from Me Too You is glad she got caught

More posts will be put up throughout the day on our writer's personal sites, so be sure to check back to follow along.

.... and if you have a post up on YOUR personal site on this topic, please leave a comment here and we will add your link!

About the book - from the publisher Hachette Book Group:

At a New England boarding school, a sex scandal is about to break. Even more shocking than the sexual acts themselves is the fact that they were caught on videotape. A Pandora's box of revelations, the tape triggers a chorus of voices--those of the men, women, teenagers, and parents involved in the scandal--that details the ways in which lives can be derailed or destroyed in one foolish moment.

Writing with a pace and intensity surpassing even her own greatest work, Anita Shreve delivers in TESTIMONY a gripping emotional drama with the impact of a thriller. No one more compellingly explores the dark impulses that sway the lives of seeming innocents, the needs and fears that drive ordinary men and women into intolerable dilemmas, and the ways in which our best intentions can lead to our worst transgressions.

Past Silicon Valley Moms Group Book Clubs have included:

• Comfort Food by Kate Jacobs
• Much to Your Chagrin by Suzanne Guilette
  
• It Started with Pop-Tarts by Lori Hanson
• Who By Fire by Diana Spechler
• The White Trash Moms Handbook by Michelle Lamar
• Writing Motherhood by Lisa Garrigues
• The Vaccine Book by Dr. Robert W. Sears
• The Other Mother by Gwendolen Gross