In Fighting Our Children's Battles, Are We Losing the War?

The other day, I received a newsletter from my daughter’s elementary school.  One section caught my eye, “If your child has had a problem with another student on campus; whether before school, during school, or after school, you are asked to discuss the issue with the classroom teacher or the school administrator.  Please refrain from confronting the other children about the issue.  Allow the school to appropriately investigate concerns and situations.”

Whoa!  I couldn’t help but wonder what went down on the schoolyard?  How many parents are skipping the middleman (principal) and going directly to the source? I know it’s a Mama Bear instinct to want to protect our own but it can be a slippery slope to navigate and difficult to know when we’ve crossed the line of doing too much or not enough.  What propels many parents to intervene may be the numerous stories about kids getting hurt or worse, killed, because the school moved too slowly in addressing the complaints of bullying. I know it’s always in the back of my mind. But I also think, while extreme, we may see more cases like the MySpace suicide.

Just a few weeks ago a friend of mine recounted how she confronted a 7th grader who had been bullying her daughter over a boy.  It was not pretty. She made it clear to the other child, the bullying was going to stop.  She also relayed the same message to the principal and the other girl’s mother.  Lucky for her, that’s where the story ended (as far as I know).  It could have escalated though if the other parent wanted to confront her.

This all comes on the heels of my daughter wanting me to call her friend’s mother over a comment the mother made. I didn’t want to, but it bothered my daughter so much that I made the call to get to the bottom of things.  <insert long sigh> It was mostly a misunderstanding. Seriously though, it’s probably a call I shouldn’t have made but because I had set the precedent of being the Defender of Hurt Feelings, the expectation was there.

I long for the days when our parents sent us outside for hours at a time, unattended, where we could just go outside and play.  Just be back inside before dinner. What happened on the playground, stayed on the playground unless it involved severe bleeding.  Now, every casual interaction is planned and scheduled and requires parental supervision.  And all squabbles, from minor to major, we have to decide how much to get involved.

Should we confront our children’s bullies, real and imagined?  Isn’t part of growing up navigating the skirmishes?  Every fight, slight or disagreement does not mean our kids are going to be branded for life as pushovers or victims. Times certainly have changed, but I can’t help but wonder if our concern and interference will create a generation of adults dependent on others for problem solving?  It’s great business for therapists but interpersonal relationships will be strained from the workplace to the home. 

I’m trying to quell my own Mama Bear instinct and develop a wait and see attitude.  Of course, I don’t want anyone messing with my baby, but in this world, she has to learn how to stand on her own two feet.

This is an original LA Moms Blog post.

Sibylla Nash is a freelance writer, you can check out her blog at Starbabyla.com.