Bullying: Teaching Kids To Be Self-Advocates

Growing up, I dealt with my fair share of "mean girls" but never had huge issues with bullying or teasing. So, I never gave the issue much thought with my children, until about two years ago.

My then 7-year-old son Jaden was being bullied – badly – by peers at his school. After getting over the lioness-protecting-her-family feelings of wanting to rip the kids doing this to him to shreds, my rational side took back over and I talked. To my son. To his teachers. To the principal. To the parents of the boys who were bullying Jaden. To everyone.

Despite all my talking, the taunting, threatening and tormenting continued…and actually got worse as the year progressed. As a result, Jaden’s enthusiasm for school and academic performance suffered. I felt helpless for him and felt that the “system” (read: his extremely large, crowded school), simply couldn’t keep track of what was happening to not only mine, but many kids.

Due to the issues my son was facing for well over a year and the lack of support we seemed to be getting from the school, I took some drastic measures: I pulled him out of his school and moved him to a setting that was smaller and more in touch with issues like bullying. After making a successful transition, I learned that to combat the growing and relevant issue of bullying, it’s important to focus on self-advocacy and educate young children about the issue early on.

Sadly, bullying in schools is a national issue that’s gotten significant media attention…usually when something awful happens: like a child is set on fire, or cyber-taunted by school peers to the point of suicide, or pushed to the point of bringing weapons to school. So much negative attention is given to the topic, but what if we took a positive approach to teach kids about how to cope, how to be self-advocates – and what if we begin the process at an early age?

I spoke to the heads of Jaden’s new school, The Country School in North Hollywood, about tips to help children to stand up for themselves and about how parents and educators can instill positive community tactics, so that bullying and teasing is addressed before it becomes an issue. Joe Perez and Olivia Brown of The Country School are well-known in Los Angeles for their focus on and success with anti-bullying – here are some of the tips they shared that parents can set in motion at home, and at an early age:

Model positive social and emotional behaviors: Parents need to model respect and reinforce that everyone deserves respect and sensitivity. Speak honestly and directly with children and peers and communicate expectations clearly and calmly.

Build trust: Encourage open communication so your child can come to you. Children are more likely to talk about bullying if they feel validated and that their concerns will be addressed. When teasing and bullying issues are addressed quickly and consistently, victims of teasing have far less fear of retribution. Plus, when they feel safe, children can truly focus on learning at school and thriving.

Develop a common language and culture of intervention: Reinforce the lingo: bully, victim, bystander, advocate. Not only are children often the victims, but they also witness bullying by peers. Teach children to be an advocate – to intervene, step up and speak out. Advocacy is contagious. Children have an innate sense of right and wrong, but most HUMANS tend to avoid confronting injustice – especially when the perpetrator is a friend or peer. However, when even one person speaks out, he or she is usually joined by others. Model and reinforce courage and a strong sense of standing up for what’s right.

‘Everybody plays’: Make it a rule that your kids don’t exclude others. It’s simple, but significant to create a culture of respect, tolerance, and inclusion.

These simple tactics work! It certainly helps that my son is now in an environment that’s aware of the issues on a campus-wide scale, but  it’s made a huge difference for Jaden: he’s doing well in school and looks forward to each day. 

On Halloween, we saw two of the children that had been continually teasing and tormenting Jaden at his old school…and I immediately went into the protector role. What pleased me was that he didn’t need me to step in -- the tools Jaden’s been given over the past few months have helped–he was confident and secure and was able to navigate the situation with the boys, who hadn’t changed much. Jaden stood up for himself and moved on. He wasn’t a victim and hopefully the other children learned a lesson too.

This is an original post for Los Angeles Moms Blog.  Lolita Carrico is the founder of the GLOSS Network for Women and blogs on her personal site at lolitacarrico.com.